You sure?

God is extremely hilarious.
You must be kidding me, right?

just me and YOU

i finally had a chance and time really to myself last night. i hardly had much time to myself the past few weeks, work was up my neck, ministry was pretty intense- took up some new projs and i just couldn't find time to myself. and strangely, the busier i got, i began to pray more. my burden for intercession began to increase with intensity. God began to place more things upon my heart, things i never thought of, were indifferent to and even things that i was blind to i began to see. but even sometimes as we interceed, it becomes all too intense so yesterday, after my 6-8pm class, i decided to talk a walk home from school. i thought of just walking halfway and taking the bus the next but well, it ended up with me walking the whole journey home. (i cant almost hear the "huh??"s as you read this. haha. but my house is not that far, i took 1hr 15 mins, and i still bought buns along the way for my family. grins.)

i enjoy long walks. they help me to clear my mind. and even as i walk, i am singing, not really bothered by whether people hear, coz they probably dont know me anyway. enjoying the sights and sounds of the evening, looking at families having dinner at the coffee shops, passing by old folks sitting in the parks, and hearing dialects and their laughter. seeing buses, taxis, cars zoom pass me, just looking at trees along the road- the same road that i pass everyday while on board the bus to and from school. hearing the bells of bicycles, the chattering of foreign workers, sounding seemingly rough but yet they were enjoying their conversation. occasionally chancing upon a stray cat, a couple sitting by the bus stop in their own worlds... and me, feeling the intermittent breeze upon my face and wishing for more of the cool air, humming tunes to myself for songs i cant remember the lyrics to... All these sights and sounds felt foreign to me. they felt like a new experience, and i wanted to capture all of them as snapshots in my memory. i love the independence that i got and felt. the feeling of walking along with no care at all, talking to God, smiling at the things that seem to be happening in my life, and just knowing that He was so close.

And as i walked, we talked. it was just a chitchat and i loved it! i loved knowing that my God is my dear friend too. At the end of the journey i knew that even though i might be hitting walls, i might be facing situations in my life that i cant comprehend, i have a God who understands and i know is willing to walk with me through it all. And to me, that is enough to know. At the end of the walk, i was perspiring and needing a shower, but i was contented. i knew the 1hr 15 mins was worth it.

Is it time for you to take a walk with the Lord?

everything to you and me?

I posted up this song in January but it once again brings out what i am feeling right now so i thought it warrents and 2nd post.

Everything To Me -By Avalon

verse 1:
I grew up in Sunday School
I memorized the Golden Rule
And how Jesus came to set the sinner free
I know the story inside out
I can tell you all about
The path that led Him up to Calvary
But ask me why He loves me
And I don’t know why
But I’ll never be the same
Because He changed my life when He became

chorus:
Everything to me
He’s more than a story
More than words on a page of history
He’s the air that I breathe
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He’s everything, everything to me

verse 2:
We’re living in uncertain times
And more and more I find that I’m aware
Of just how fragile life can be
I want to tell the world I found
A love that turned my life around
They need to know that they can taste and see

How everyday I’m praying
Just to give my heart away
I want to live for Jesus
So that someone else might see that He is…

You’re everything to me
You’re more than a story
More than words on a page of history
You’re the air that I breathe
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
You’re everything, everything to me

i have been replaying this song over and over. i dare not say that God is eveerything to me yet but i pray that He will be. but more than that i pray this will will translate to "telling the world what i've found so that they can taste and see". the harvest is indeed plentiful. we need to stop being consumed in our own issues and start to open our eyes to the people and the world around us. they need to taste and see this blessed hope we have. and more than letting people see that God is everything to me, (that is not what is most important) but that this will help others to see God being everything to them. that they will experience for themselves who this God is.

Our ministry needs a vision bigger than what we have now. and we need to catch it. yes, we may have personal issues to handle in our lives but that should not stop us from moving on and out. we dont have to be perfect or struggle free before we start embarking on reaching out. let's please start looking beyond ourselves. pray, people pray... our ministry, (YA or Youth) needs a breakthrough. we need to move out. Lord, grant us insight and a larger perspective. there are many who need Him. more on this another time...

what do we claim?

This is what Titus 1:15-16 says,
"15To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. 16They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good."

there is nothing much that i want to type because i feel that the verses speak for themselves. these are hard verses, my friends. as i type this my heart is beating pretty fast. i dont want to live a life where i claim to know God and serve Him yet my actions deny Him. i feel that sometimes i am guilty of that. sometimes i go through a day, let my guard down and my actions dont glorify Him. and the worse thing would be if you and me are oblivious to that. Look at the description of the people who do this, i shudder. i certainly dont want to see anyone of us being described as such. i pray that we will live lives that match up to the gospel we preach. lets check our hearts and actions before we start judging others. Lord, help us.

to you, you and you...

A friend replied to a prior sms i sent, "thnx for that msg! I was just feeling a lil down bout the way life is now but u just reminded me something so impt that i've been neglecting for quite awhile!......"
To you, (i dont even know if you visit though) continue to run this race and not give up. God put you through life's circumstances for a reason and a purpose. sometimes we fall and stray away but He is always wanting to draw us back. dont neglet Him anymore k? And run this race without looking back. i am always a phone call away when you need to share. and you can call 1800-Jesus anytime, anywhere. i love you dear and He loves you alot too. shine for Him alright!

To many who think that God doesnt care about you anymore or that He is so so far away, i want you to know that He is always pursuing you. He has caught you once before and He is still waiting for you to come back. He would leave 99 for you. i dont know how else to assure you except that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.
To you, (who visit occasionally,i think) though i dont know exactly why you have strayed away, know that the body of Christ does not condemn you for the things you have done. you might feel unworthy but in Christ you are worthy. Men might have failed you BUT God has never and will never fail you. perhaps you dont understand why you have to go through those circumstances you have gone thru and why if He really exists will put you through them, i dont know exactly too, but what i know is that He makes all things beautiful in His time. God WILL reveal Himself to all those who seek. come back to Him. i can walk with you through this. are you willing to risk being vulnerable and trusting Him again?

To you, we still talk online and i know you dont want me to talk about God so i know, and i try to be the friend that you need at times. but i want you to know that your family and situation is in the hands of God. You feel disappointed by God and perhaps dont realise that the things you are doing now are an escape from God. yes, they can satisfy you for now,but ultimately there is a God-shaped hole in your heart that can never be satisfied by anything or anyone execpt HIM. the church and ministry might have disappointed you too. yes, the truth is humans are imperfect (and Christians are humans) but His love is perfect. please do not give up on Him. you are constantly in my prayers. Ring me anytime you need to talk.

To you, i know you are struggling through your Christian walk, even though sometimes on the outside you seem pretty strong. there are things we struggle through in our walk but there IS a way out my dear. God is not sadistic and wants you to be struggling all the time. we can be victorous in Him. In the midst of all your questions, about God, existence and the like, know that ultimately God is God. Perhaps we dont have to be in control all the time. perhaps we dont need ALL the answers. i know that is hard for you to accept. but i want you to know that God loves you for who you are. and i do too.

And to all of YOU who have been searching for answers and dont seem to be getting any, continue to persevere in all these. be patient, sometimes we cant see because our perspective is so different from HIS. i struggle with this too, but they are not in vain. His love is perfect, in time i pray that all of us will understand that.

a fear that should not be there

Why is that i am compelled to share certain things but yet i feel that i should not put it up on my blog? i really dunno. i feel very strongly about certain things but i feel that perhaps i shouldnt blog it up. perhaps it's fear of rejection? or that people wont understand? or perhaps im just afraid of what people will think of me if i do post those things. i know this shouldnt be a hinderance,this is MY blog but yet what i feel is real.

until i sort this out, which i want to, i will not post the things i am thinking about up.

pondrerings about writing

i will be doing a paper on therapeutic writing this week and one point that i picked up while reading up is this: the pen is an extremely powerful tool. For all of us wo blog, perhaps it's the keyboard but whatever medium, i think you know what i mean. The tool with which we write, in a language understandable to us has the power to create and destroy. it can have the power to change lives too. The reading i was doing clearly stated that the modern culture tries to force us to write in a way that is academic, and it forces our life into a school essay form. However, life is not as simple as a school essay with an introduction, body and conclusion. it is much more complicated than that. people are much more complicated than that. we might have another introduction somewhere mid life and it is not as ordered as a point 1,2,3 essay. Crafting out our lives on paper or screen is not that straightforward. thus, the writer challenges that we write whatever comes to mind. i do think so too, if what you are writing is your PRIVATE journal is it's just you and maybe God. simply because thinking about what you are write might stifle creativity and what you might REALLY be thinking. (what do you think? agree?) well, for me, i do write private journals. what i publish on this blog might be most of what i am thinking and feeling but there are always thoughts that are private, just me and God. i believe in increasing your open self and being an open book, but i also believe that my God is special enough to share somethings with that no one would ever know.

this week, a few people have been commented on what i have bogging about. i have heard comments like; "wah,when i read your blog i have to concentrate,cant just leisure read." or "hey,your blog has been a blessing, continue to write and shine for the Lord." another said, "hey, i have been encouraged by your blog,i link it to mine k?" or one friend told me, "eh,your blog ah....wah,very Christian leh." adding to that another friend said, "thats your style isit? maybe one day you'll change or explore newer styles." To all of that,i did ponder. should i change my style of writing to suit my readers needs? all sorts of people pop by this page, some regularly, others once in a while. Well, i could change my writing to a daily update of what happens in my life, write about how bad/good school has been, (hey,im not saying that you cant do that in your blog or that is not good- just my personal preference.) or about tv programs that i watch, people that irritate me. these all are happenings in my life and i could write them BUT, hey! i think God is a bigger part of my life than all those things! God revolves around those things that happen in my life and yes, what i blog about IS my life. sorry dears, God is that big in my life. i dont think He is big enough yet, i still have a long way to go, but thats what i want to live for. perhaps He is not yet everything to me, but i pray that He will as i continue to seek Him.

so this morning, my ponderings on styles and how i should write ends here. i believe that your writing, whatever style it is, can glorify God. please dont feel as if you dont love God if you dont write about Him in your blogs. this is just my expression of who He is in my life. You could have other ways. Just remember, a pen can be a powerful tool, choose how you want to use it. And do drop a comment to let me know what writing/journalling means to you/how it has helped you. :)



there have been things on my mind. these things feel rather overwhelming and not many understand. they are beyond me, but i am going to trust YOU to take the lead and make the paths straight.

What weapons do you use to fight?

It's warfare all day,everyday.

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 6And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete." -1 Corinthians 10:3-6

Even if my knees become calloused,i will still continue to pray. it's a fierce battle. But guess what,God is on our side! :) That weapons do you use to fight? Is it the Word or God and prayer?

back to my prayer closet i go

“Prayer does not condition God; prayer conditions us. Prayer does not win God to our view; it reveals God’s view to us. Prayer is not merit, so that by withdrawing from the world we of necessity gain special favours from God. Prayer is not purchasing things from God. If you ask why we emphasize prayer so much and so often, we reply, “Because Jesus did so.” The gospel of Luke gives accounts of whole nights spent in prayer by the Saviour. Are we better than He?” -Leonard Ravenhill in Revival Praying

I had a morning of weak, lackadaisical prayer before reading the word of God and closing my Bible thinking that I am done for the morning. I thought I was done and could get on with my day, having fulfilled my “daily quiet time”. I thought, “Anyway, I’ll be going for bible study later in the evening.” But God certainly wasn’t done with me yet. I picked up this book “Revival Praying” and thought I’d just read a chapter. Thank God I did. Because I was convicted of my lousy attitude of praying this past few days. I did pray, but not enough and I doubt it was in a way which pleased my Lord. I merely treated it as a need and not a want. Passionless is the word to describe it. And God convicted me and drew me back to my prayer closet once again. Before I even ended the chapter, I made a mental decision to pray, by the end of the chapter, I was down on my knees repenting and interceding.

You want to know God’s perspective? Pray more. You want to draw closer to Him? Pray more. You want to know His will for your life? Pray more. You want to see your family and friends saved? Pray more. You want your kids at cell to see His face? Pray more. You want to see your ministry grow? Pray more. You desire for the things of God? Pray more. You want to experience His presence even more? Pray more. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of prayer. And I don’t know how else to emphasize it except that you go and develop this spiritual discipline for yourself. Ravenhill talked about the “giants in the church” those who spent hours interceding and praying and how they were so close to God. I told God today that I don’t need my name written in books or to be exalted for praying. I just want what the intercessor John Hyde had- communion, “God and Hyde walked together.” That’s what I desire. To walk together with Him and to be so close to Him that wherever I go, I being the presence of God with me. That to me, is enough.

one part in pain, all parts in pain

There has been much said about the case of Christian convert, Abdul Rahman and how he might be torn to pieces if his case is being dismissed. well, this issue has obviously more sides than it seems. To read more, click here.

I am not going to talk about his case here, although it is largely related. Well, i agree with many that we do have to interceed on behalf of this man and this case. however, i am reminded of the fact that prior to this, i have not been praying for Christians in other parts of the world suffering persecution. Not to pray for God to release them from their persecution, but, to paraphrase the Heavenly Man, "for stronger backs to bear the load of persecution". this case has been in the papers for the past weekend, and yes, we need to pray. but do you know how many other brothers and sisters in Christ are out there fighting for what they believe in? there are many in China, India, Pakistan, Vietnam, and many other parts of the world suffering for the gospel. just because one incident is being published in the papers does not mean that this is the only case. i wonder how many of us have been keeping these people in prayer. i admit that i do not do it often enough.

My question to all of us today is: Do we feel pain when we know that another person in the Body of Christ is suffering? Do we bear in the fellowship of sufferings of the believers in Christ? 1 Corinthians 12:26 says, "If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." We are all in the same body of Christ, and we are all members of the same body. Do we merely look upon these incidents as being exceptions and well, just thank God we arent in such situations? or perhaps, we are even oblivious to these things happening around the world and indifferent to them.

i dont know about you, but this has moved me, not only to pray more; that God will enable Christians in such situations to stand firm in the gospel, BUT more than that, it has made me re-evaluate my Christian life. Am i radical enough for the Lord, and how am i living for Him? Not that i yearn to be persecuted for my faith/have to endure suffering, (although it is indeed our calling to suffer for the gospel- a very radical truth that i have yet to digest) but also to question my life, whether is how i live for the CAUSE of the gospel? hope you will ponder about this too.

unintentional

i realised that i might have come across as being judgemental and arrogant in my last post. i am sorry if it was perceived in that light. that was never my intention. i have no right to judge anyway. and plus, i too am learning.

let me add to the post that lets be in prayer for these things. we do what we can, and pray all we can.

time to wake up from slumber

i shudder as i read these verses in Zephaniah because they describe the condition of many churches and Christians today. those described in the versus knew God. but did they REALLY KNOW Him?

5 those who bow down on the roofs
to worship the starry host,
those who bow down and swear by the LORD
and who also swear by Molech,

6 those who turn back from following the LORD
and neither seek the LORD nor inquire of him. (Zephaniah 1:5-6)

The Lord does not tolerate divided worship.He seeks wholehearted faithfulness and trust in Him. so today,who or what are we placing our trust in? or future careers? or achievements? or boyfriends/girlfriends? our money/planned finances? what is it we place our trust on? please please dont declare like the people of Judah that you swear by the LORD yet in fact you are worshipping other gods. the Lord will not tolerate.

12 At that time I will search Jerusalem with lamps
and punish those who are complacent,
who are like wine left on its dregs,
who think, 'The LORD will do nothing,
either good or bad.' (Zephnaniah 1:12)

Are we Christians who sit back and say that God will not do anything, living in indifference and being contented in our sins? To me, apathy/indifference is a sin. My friends, the Lord hates sin! if we say we are living a Christian life, we ought to ask God to examine our hearts and minds daily, and work on those areas in our life! please stop thinking of God as ONLY full of grace. Yes, He IS full of grace, BUT He is also a judge my friends. so take heed, and purify your lives constantly.

15 This is the carefree city
that lived in safety.
She said to herself,
"I am, and there is none besides me."
What a ruin she has become,
a lair for wild beasts!
All who pass by her scoff
and shake their fists. (Zephaniah 2:15)

And you think that it is all secure and nice? Yes, we are living in a country that is blessed. you are living a life that is secure, probably a guranteed job when you graduate, food on the table, a church to go to. We need to wake up and stop feeling so comfortable. look at the world around. Do you even realise what is happening around the world? Or have we been so oblivious? i think we really need to get down on our knees and pray more.

2 She obeys no one,
she accepts no correction.
She does not trust in the LORD,
she does not draw near to her God. (Zephaniah 3:2)

Are we so arrogant thinking that we know it all? accepting no correction? May we be far from this! the Lord opposes the proud my friends, and gives grace to the humble. Learn from Jesus Himself, know His humility and practice it.

Lastly,
11 On that day you will not be put to shame
for all the wrongs you have done to me,
because I will remove from this city
those who rejoice in their pride.
Never again will you be haughty
on my holy hill.

12 But I will leave within you
the meek and humble,
who trust in the name of the LORD. (Zephaniah 3:11-12)

That is what the Lord desires. HUMILITY and righteousness.He hates it when we are proud and think we can do it all on our own.i think it disgusts Him. only those who are meek and humble will see the face of God. please,my dear friends, let us learn to be humble,learn fo Christ, He is the best example. i dont want to sound presumtious or arrogant but i really i dont wish to see that when the Day of the Lord comes and judgement befalls, that God will send some of us to the side of the goats. God forbid that such a thing happen to any of us. So, lets live a life worthy of the calling that He has for us. i'm sorry if this entry has been rather harsh. i do feel rather burdened as i read these versus.

questions and conclusions

how come i am always in conflict.i often KNOW what is expected of me, and often i think i know what God wants me to do. but i dont FEEL that way. this will always be a conflict and i have to learn how to deal with it. if carl rogers was here, he would term this as "incongruence". not being in tune with myself, in simple terms. and well,bible study that day kinda helped me figure out why.coz we exist in BODY and SPIRIT. both of which affects the feelings, mind and finally propel the will. to explain it like that and here is really doing it injustice. sis cecilia had such good illustrations for that. (ask me,i'll explain more or even show u the slides) but wat i want to say is that i know i will always experience this conflict because i am only human but i can deal with it as i fill my mind more with the word of God. well,to me,it's pretty complicated.we are complicated beings.and God made us such.the complexity of this species called humans. i would like to think that we can be decoded simply but we cant.i have attepmted to reduce humans to it's core,but woah,i've failed because God made us so complex.well, i will not crack my brains on that anymore because i see no point in that. sometimes i think i drown myself with such thoughts and confuse myself too much. -shakes head-

okay,i have just went off tangent from what i wanted to type but i decided to leave it there just so that you see my thought process and how random i can be.well,i think that i have often than not grappled with the mind versus the feelings.doing what i KNOW is best versus feeling like it is the best.i have had to question many things i have done recently and ask myself whether it is worth it,whether what i am doing helps another person. i have asked the question of "God are you sure?" countless times when all along i know the answer was "I am faithful". being so human, i struggle with whether i have done the right things, made the right decisions and asked the right questions. i have asked questions and have heard people ask me what issues i have because of the questions i ask. and so i even question my questions.i have had thought processes recently that made me critical about the things i have been doing,and sometimes i think im just being too hard on myself. poor brains.

ultimately,after all the questions and conflicts,i have come to ONE conclusion. that all that matters is to be in the centre of God's will. and to count all else rubbish. how to do that? i am still learning and very humbly doing so because i am so far from it. so far. i understand that there is nothing else to live for except towards the goal for which He has called me heavenward. and step by step i want that to engulf my life. day by day this is my prayer: that my desire will be to be ALL that He wants me to be.

love within limits

Was reading a devotional and John Piper referred to a book by Lewis Smedes- Love Within Limits. It caught my attention so i thought i'd share.

“The first is the limit set by clashing claims. There are limits to the goodness love can do when doing good to one person will mean not doing good to another person. This limit happens virtually every time you do an act of love for someone, because in that moment you are not doing that act of love for someone else. To choose one course of love is to leave a thousand other courses unchosen. When Jesus healed one leper, he left hundreds unhealed. His life was a continual series of choices to love one way and not another. To do is also to leave undone.”

if i love someone at this moment, means that i cant love another thousand others, but does that stop me from loving? no. i am not God, i cant love everyone at the same time and that is OKAY. yes, love does have limits. so you see, we all make choices each day as to who and which way to love. we can do something now, but that means that we cant do something else at this same point of time. and that boils down once again to choices. i want to live my life with no regrets. perhaps i made some wrong choices yesterday. but that does not stop me from making better choices today. And even better ones tomorrow. teach me Lord, how to love. to give of myself even if it hurts.

life at its rawest

Satisfying Sips Photograph by Chris Johns
A melon plucked from the ground provides a drink. Bushmen once found water in plants and rainy–season pools. Now they draw it from the deep wells, or boreholes, that opened the Kalahari Desert to cattle grazing and allowed Bushmen to settle in permanent villages.

Southern Africa’s hunter-gatherers seek a foothold By Peter Godwin [To read the entire article, click here.]
"We set up camp in a clearing in the bush close to the village, and that night I lie awake listening to the hawking of phlegm-filled chests, the hacking of tubercular coughs, and the wavering wails of the babies, which compete with the yelps of patrolling jackals to fill the dome of stars above us. It is winter in the Kalahari and bone-achingly cold when the cocks begin to crow a few minutes before four. As I emerge from my tent, “dawn’s heart,” as Bushmen traditionally call Jupiter, is burning brightly on the horizon. The water in my billycan is frozen solid.

When we enter the village, the families are huddled around their tiny fires; some of the children are shirtless, and the adults have, at most, a single threadbare blanket clasped around each pair of bony shoulders and each toast a rack of prominent ribs. They are breakfasting meagerly on berries and weak tea.

N!amce, a Den/ui leader, sits on a log making arrows. He rolls the yellow reed shaft in the ashes, then squints down its barrel and straightens it. He smears bitumen from an old car battery onto the end of the shaft, heats it again, and binds twine made of kudu sinew around it. He cuts a notch at the back end for the bow string to slot into, and on the other end he inserts a spike of giraffe bone, which connects to another little cylinder of reed into which the arrowhead, a length of gauge wire whose end has been hammered into a triangle, is forced. He gingerly coats the four inches of the wire shaft behind the arrow tip with poison stored in a steenbok horn. "

***

I wish that was me, lying awake in the night, listening to the sounds of nature, being in a different culture, a culture not my own, living their lives, loving people of the wild. To experience life at its barest, in it's rawest form. Just imagining it makes me smile.

don't know whether to laugh or cry

it's 815pm and i decided to stay in school coz my internet access at home at this current moment fluctuates. i had the craziest day. you won't believe it. first, i rushed 2 essays that were due at 5pm in 2 days. if that wasnt bad enough, i did the papers till 330pm. it was bad lah. then it started pouring and i was late for my project meeting at 4pm so i rushed out of my house to take a cab. i was like "God please send me a cab, i really need to get to school." and wah, a cab came. Thank God! okay, even if a cab didnt come immediately i also need to thank God lah but yeah. then in my hurry and wanting to get into the cab quickly to avoid getting wet, i knocked my head on the car door frame. the cab driver was really funny, he kept asking, "ni zhuang dao tou ah, tong mah? tong mah? aiyo, man man lai..." translation: you know your head ah? pain a not pain a not? aiyo, slowly lah." and i kept saying that it's okay. coz i was so late, and i had to hand up another assignment PLUS go for a project meeting, so i called joel tay to meet me and help me hand up my essay (we are doing similar modules) so he graciously said okay and i said i will call him back when i reached. and when i was reaching school i dug into my bag to look for my wallet and guess wat, it was no where to be found. first thing i thought, "crap." and i called joel, much earlier than he thought and asked him if he could help me pay 1st. thanks joel, really. appreciate it loads. WAH, how blur can i get. i think the work really got to me. last minute work is no good at all. the next few papers i WILL start doing them like asap.except that i have alot of other work to do.. okay dear friends, i am not complaining ok? haha. i just think that the taxi driver found me amusing and i thought i was just plain DUMB. this is a sign for me to slow down.

well, that was my day. but i still thank God because as i sit here in the forum with the slight breeze in my hair, enjoying the peacefulness, i know that my God was with me the entire day. yes, i made booboos, many in fact, but He was with me every step of the way. nothing beats being in His presence and hearing HIs still small voice.

rachlim just reminded me that there's bible stdy tomorrow and although i am STILL loaded with work, the pile is decreasing but still there, i am glad i can enjoy who He is thru BS. i tell you, BS is awesome. it IS heavy stuff, but i would like to describe it as a buffet spread. i might not be able to eat ALL of the food presented but whatever i can eat, i eat. and i always go home feeling satisfied. YUM. you think the Bible is boring? ha, open your eyes and your heart, there are so many truths to savour, and following those truths should not be a burden but a delight coz as you engage these truths and wak in it, you are walking nearer and nearer to HIM. tomorrow is gonna be a better day. grins. no more knocking my head or forgetting my wallet, but who knows, maybe something else. haha. everyday presents me with new things to laugh and cry about at the same time.

considering ALL things rubbish except....

Philippians 3:7-11
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."

This are the verses that make me sit back overwhelmed. Radical and non-conformist it might be, Lord, i want this, what Paul has. mould me Lord, no matter how painful it is.

indescribable perhaps.

i finally decided to blog again. the sorethroat has kicked in and well thats a huge sign that i need rest, i need a break, but when? soon i hope, soon... well, i have been tired, mentally, physically and emotionally and this affects me spiritually too. i am not gonna fake it, i am not on a spiritual high. BUT, i am not contented it being this way. Above the Bible studies, serving God in ministry, going for service, for conferences, for meetings, reading the word of God, and Christian literature, ABOVE ALL OF THAT, i just want HIM. i just want to be in the presence of God. i yearn for that so much. nothing can satisfy, i desire so much of Him. and God is so gracious, He WILL draw need to those who seek for Him and desire for His presence, maybe not in the time you want it, or in the capacity you desire for it. But He will be found. we humans are too limited to comprehend that and what we see, encounter, and experience is only from a very human, myopic perspective. Do you know how great God is? Immeasureably. thats the word to describe Him. He is the God who makes you sit back and go, "WOAH".

And it has been some time but GOd brought me back to these verses, while i was on my knees yearning for Him, these precious verses.

Psalm 73:25-26
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Yes, that is the God that i worship and i serve. i am so weak but He says He will be my strength. and i began to weep. Because i began to see again how unworthy i am, and i cannot imagine why He would want to use me. i ask God why He would even bother to bring me to where i am and i began to see how far away i am from perfection and how i am so unable. and i began to experience His grace. the mind began to connect with the heart. i began to understand how awesome that grace is and how unworthy i am to receive it. But He chose me, undeserving of it all. and i was humbled.

you know, i am lost for words here. i dont even bother how i am phrasing my sentences. this is what my heart is feeling now. not my mind, certainly not it. His love and grace i certainly cannot rationalize.

oh God, i praise You, i thank You. because of who you are. i stand in AWE, absolute AWE.

post-modernism and me

We live in post-modernity but do we have to be post-modern in thinking? Not necessarily. Although we are influenced greatly by post-modern views and even very unconsciously practice that which we preach against, and I do feel overwhelmed at the thought of how to break free, I believe that it is possible. The speaker yesterday at a post-modernism talk gave a pretty good analogy of the church being like a fish in water which I would like to share here.
“The church is in culture as the fish is in water. It is not possible to be unaffected or unconcerned with what is happening. We will either be passively “conformed” and changed, or intentionally focused. There is no neutral ground.” He explained further by saying that, a fish, does not consciously examine the bubbles that it produces while breathing, neither does it really question what is contained in the water etc etc. but when the conditions of the water change, the fish does feel and recognize it. As Christians living in a culture and part of society as a whole, culture is so ingrained in us, we might even grow up with practices and perspectives that we don’t even know come from centuries ago, but we CAN and SHOULD be aware of the changes in mindset, thinking and how society is evolving. In other words, what he means is that we should not allow culture/society to shape who were are but be very aware of what is going on around the world. I think that ignorance is often used as an excuse. And yes, it is an EXCUSE. As Christians especially, I think we need to be extra alert of what is happening around the world. Why? 1. So that we will not be sucked in without even knowing. 2. To be able to understand the current trends and thoughts and thus be more effective in reaching the people around. Well, of course this is no easy feat. I believe I have been victim to many thought processes and ideologies that society has been shouting out. But I believe we can always start somewhere.

Culture is a huge word to deconstruct. I shall not even begin to because I know I will end up getting nowhere and perhaps even more confused. But what I am reminded of today is that we don’t HAVE TO subscribe to the practices of our culture. There IS absolute truth in our post-modern world. And that is the word of God. Of course, you can tell me the word of God is “written” by men, religion is a social construct, blah blah blah. Yes, they are things to consider BUT, this- my friends, is PRECISELY what post-modernism is and what it has taught us to be. We are taught to always question what we believe in, "everything is relative", we live in a subjective world and so on. Therefore, if we want to be in the world but not of it, we need to know the truth to be able to defend what we believe so strongly in. We no longer live in a generation of “because I believe so, that’s why” or “my parents believe and I trust what they believe” or “because the bible says so.” Following the last reason, we then have to be able to present to people why the bible is true. Yes, apologetics is what I am talking about. Equip yourselves, know what you believe in! Or else you are gonna be tossed around by opinions, interpretations and ideas that people subscribe to but are not necessarily true.

Colossians 2:8 says, “Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ.” Who are you following? The world or Christ? You got to make a choice and take a stand. The world has many philosophies that are deceiving and “logical” to the human mind but are they according to the word of God? Let’s begin to dig deep into the truths of that which we believe in. Postmodernism has created a different world- a whole new religion and I certainly do not want to unconsciously conform to it. Let’s be alert in these last days. We certainly need to be.

a new beginning

God spoke.
I just let the tears flow.
I think I haven't cried so much in a long time.
It was a release.
God knows my heart and my thoughts.
He knew what I needed to hear.
And I am going to hide those words in my heart.
I am free and free indeed.
It’s a brand new day.
A new beginning.
Smiles.