There is much to thank God for, even though i am not in my best frame of health (spiritually and physically). But i am going to choose to praise Him even here. The past few weeks have been crazy for me. School, ministry and more ministry has sadly tired me out and drained me. When asked how are you doing, i would often reply, "surviving" and smile at that. i was just moving on, doing what i was supposed to do, trying to be faithful to fulfill all my responsibilities. I knew what i was doing- its not like im just doing things for the sake of it and i love God. But thru it all, there was one thing that i was missing out on- Myself. i was losing myself. What's wrong with that, you may ask. God asked us to deny ourselves take up our cross and follow Him right? Yes, that is true, but God said one thing to me that caused me to stop and listen, and that was, "My child, what i want is YOU."
I battled with God over that- i told Him that i serve Him with all that i have, and have been giving and loving people, what is lacking really? What does wanting ME require? i am still learning this very simple truth, that God loves me, not the sacrifices i give. i am learning what being vs doing means. And its a struggle because I say, "Lord, what can i do to improve the state i am in?" and God says, "Just trust and walk with me." Woah, very tough to just- be. Especially when i have minimal time and maximum work, its so hard to let go of the choleric side and trust. But i am learning, i need to allow the moulding process to take place, and gosh, i am so imperfect.
The awareness of how weak i am, how far i am from the mark really humbles me. Without Christ i am really nothing. The things i do would mean nothing, the life i live, would be wasted. And God, i sure dont want at the end of my life thinking i have slogged so hard and hear Christ saying to me, 'i tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me... go away in eternal punishment, ' (context, Matthew 25:31-46) i want my life to count for Christ, i want to do what Jesus would. And i dont think i am being hard on myself.
My mentor, Christy, (we are in this relationship in a very divine way, will share more another time) is such an amazing woman. I was just telling esther yesterday that it is so different having female-care compared to how Ps Ronald and Kieran look out for me. (i know they care for me too, but herm, they are just guys and i guess guys are just well.... different. ha.) So, I was sharing with Christy how lousy i feel, how overwhelmed i am and after pouring my heart out, she said, "i am so blessed by what you shared." and i was taken aback. Christy somehow manages to turn my struggles around and say that God teaches her things from it and she is blessed. And i dunno how to describe that feeling, it is just super humbling. it makes me feel so awed by God- how He can use my inadequacies to bless. and i feel small all over again. i feel like a child encouraged by daddy and i am blown by His greatness. Its like standing under a clear night sky full of stars- that kind of feeling.
And this morning God spoke to me thru Ps 73, tears just came, and His presence so real. i would love to share more. but tonight okay? i need to rush to school for class, hehe. and cell later. :) its gonna be an amazing time. i think i understand a little of what it means to have joy in the midst of trials and tiredness.
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