i didnt intend to post any entry anytime soon. its 12:57am now and i was thinking i need to sleep soon. i got to work tomorrow. but my spirit is stirring, and i cant sleep. i cant seem to pinpoint really why i am feeling like that. so i decided that i should type it out, so that i get to take a step back and see a clearer picture. God is moving somehow within me, and i think i know why.
His presence has been with me through the past few weeks. i am drowning in my attempts to juggle ministry and work attachment. sometimes i get so busy with work that i forget who He is. i can get caught up with doing His work and forget who i am really working for. i know i try to do my best in the things that are before me, but i fall short sometimes. and God reminded me of something that He said to me last week, "My child, I am proud of you."- something i hold so dear to me. and that is what i want to say to the youths that God has placed under my care- whether it be at work or in ministry. i want to be proud of them. God has been showing me what it means to love the youths and i am begining to learn to see the worth in each of them. to see really, the big white space instead of that black dot on a clean piece of paper. that is how God sees each of us too. in fact, He wipes away that black spot. and i want that heartbeat too.
i was blown away as my colleague and i discussed about a case that i am handling now. we talked about the client, but more than that, what blew me away were the things i learnt about people. i knew those things through the many modules i took in school but now i really see what it means as we talked. even as i begin to think more deeply about human behaviour, i believe God was opening the eyes of my heart. theories came to life for me and i suddenly realised how much more complex humans are then i thought! i shared with my EA team yesterday that i want to be able to serve God through my work, even though i might be constrained by my tiredness. and i really want to be able to minister to needs even in this few weeks. perhaps i wont accomplish miracles or too big things, but i know, that i want what happens in the remaining few weeks to be things that are according to His will and purpose. this is what i want to invest my life in- people. they sure are complicated, delicate beings, but they can live for so much more. today i saw that, i saw hope in families. i saw what it meant to believe in the best of people. and for once, i understood.
tonight, i just feel so close to Him. His heartbeat just beats upon mine.
and i dont want this feeling to ever leave.
turn this feeling to a conviction, something i live for.
i never want to depart from Your heart.
the heart of one who truly loves.
so close my Lord, so close...
Saturday, June 24, 2006
beautiful.
There are so many things i want to post, but i dont have the time and the energy. smiles. ask me, i will gladly tell you. the only thing i want to say here is that HE is so beautiful. And His love is amazing. Bask in His presence.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
re-aligned.
When my eyes lose sight of the vision, when the work ahead fills my hands and i forget how to lift them up to the Lord, when my strength is taken away and i feel the strain, YOU remind me once again of Your love, that perfect love for Your people. And once again i fall into Your embracing arms of love. Your love is all i need and boy, am I immersed in it. Once again i am re-aligned.
Needful Hands
By Jars of Clay
Verse 1:
For those under the clouds
Staring up in awesome wonder
As tears come slowly down
I'm reaching up a needful hand
Chorus:
You are my eyes when I cannot see
You are my voice, see, sing through me
You are my strength in weakness be
Verse 2:
To find that I could fall
And still your grace surrounds, pursuing
To freely stumble downI feel your hands around my heart
Bridge:
You are my strength, my voice, my eyes
I lift up needful hands
You are my strength, my voice, my eyes
I lift up needful hands
Needful Hands
By Jars of Clay
Verse 1:
For those under the clouds
Staring up in awesome wonder
As tears come slowly down
I'm reaching up a needful hand
Chorus:
You are my eyes when I cannot see
You are my voice, see, sing through me
You are my strength in weakness be
Verse 2:
To find that I could fall
And still your grace surrounds, pursuing
To freely stumble downI feel your hands around my heart
Bridge:
You are my strength, my voice, my eyes
I lift up needful hands
You are my strength, my voice, my eyes
I lift up needful hands
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Friday, June 09, 2006
agonizers
Sitting in my office, with my earphones on, I am able to slip into my own world while still being aware of my surroundings. I thank God that today I have some time to myself because it has been a slow day, and my work really only starts at 730pm. Since I started placement, I guess it has been a struggle waking up early to spend time with God, although I have made attempts to on quite a number of days. Some days I just can’t wake up, just too knocked out. However, the times that I share with God are precious ones. Along the way home, reading devotionals and every little snippet of word from Him I cling on to. And although perhaps this is not the ideal, but I enjoy these times with Him. What do you deem as quiet time? Is it only a set time and space? Yes, I believe we should spend time with God behind closed doors, but we must remember that we are able to go through every moment of our lives, walk through the day together with Him, being sensitive to the voice of God and practicing His presence everywhere we go.
I just read a devotional during my lunch break about prayer. Leonard Ravenhill has inspired me in more ways than one, this is what he wrote,
“The place of prayer is more than a dumping ground for all our anxieties, frets, and fears. The place of prayer is not a place to drop a shopping list before the throne of a God with endless supplies and limitless power.
I believe the place of prayer is not only a place where I lose my burdens, but also a place where I get a burden. He shares my burden and I share His burden. "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." To know that burden, we must hear the voice of the Spirit. To hear that voice, we must be still and know that He is God.”
Amazing. I am truly inspired by this man of God whose heart is sold out to the Lord. I want the heart of this man as well. That heart of prayer that is so unceasing yet an extremely humble man. Are we agonizing in prayer, going on our knees and desiring to see God move in our land today? The more I type this, I more I wished I was at home, that I can have a private space to go down on my knees in prayer! My heart’s desire is that R-age is a place where our young people will be agonizers in prayer for their loved ones, for their campus, for the ministry and for their land. I don’t think this is too big a request to make. Will YOU join me in prayer?
I just read a devotional during my lunch break about prayer. Leonard Ravenhill has inspired me in more ways than one, this is what he wrote,
“The place of prayer is more than a dumping ground for all our anxieties, frets, and fears. The place of prayer is not a place to drop a shopping list before the throne of a God with endless supplies and limitless power.
I believe the place of prayer is not only a place where I lose my burdens, but also a place where I get a burden. He shares my burden and I share His burden. "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." To know that burden, we must hear the voice of the Spirit. To hear that voice, we must be still and know that He is God.”
Amazing. I am truly inspired by this man of God whose heart is sold out to the Lord. I want the heart of this man as well. That heart of prayer that is so unceasing yet an extremely humble man. Are we agonizing in prayer, going on our knees and desiring to see God move in our land today? The more I type this, I more I wished I was at home, that I can have a private space to go down on my knees in prayer! My heart’s desire is that R-age is a place where our young people will be agonizers in prayer for their loved ones, for their campus, for the ministry and for their land. I don’t think this is too big a request to make. Will YOU join me in prayer?
Sunday, June 04, 2006
mums and cute.
And i must add this, coz its quite hilarious i think. i came home one evening with these 2 items on my table: 
me: mum, erm, did you buy me these?
mummy: YAH! so cute right! the tissue box so cute and somemore small and handy!
By the way, my mummy knows i like Strawberry Shortcake, it used to be one of my favourites but i didnt expect her to BUY it. hahaha.
she is so funny lah. i love her to bits! laughs.
me: mum, erm, did you buy me these?
mummy: YAH! so cute right! the tissue box so cute and somemore small and handy!
By the way, my mummy knows i like Strawberry Shortcake, it used to be one of my favourites but i didnt expect her to BUY it. hahaha.
she is so funny lah. i love her to bits! laughs.
passion.
As i thought back about the week. there is one thing that resounds in my mind: passion. i ask myself what being passionate is all about. and i came up with one definition, not a dictionary one but here it is: To love what you are doing and do it will so much zeal that even if your body cries out for rest, you will still press on because you believe in what you are doing. It was the 1st time in my life i actually felt passionate about what i was doing. i felt as if this is what i want to do for the rest of my life. And i shared this with becky together with a question, "How could i have lived the rest of my life not feeling this way before?" and she replied very simply, "because you didnt know what it feels like in the past, of course you cant desire for it." how true. i was contented with the life i was living. i enjoyed serving the young pple, being in the cell ministry but last week it was much more than enjoyment, it felt like passion bubbling up within me.
i was suffering from lack of sleep, muscle aches, sore arms and a mind that couldnt stop working. being a social worker last week kept me on the move all the time. when i was sitting down for lunch, my mind was thinking about what i was to next. walking along, i tried to think of the plans to type out when i got back to the office. even while i rested on bed, sometimes i would be thinking of a kid i met during the day and utter a short prayer for him or her before i conked off in bed. and by friday, boy, i was exhausted. i didnt even get to go for PNP coz of work and missing PNP is something that hasnt happened in a while. BUT, despite is all, it was worth it. every bit of the energy spent and the aches were worth it. i learnt so much about kids, youths and their families. the systemic appraoach just came to life for me. to see youths scolding vulgarities to your face, raising the fist at the instant they dont feel happy about something, having a language so flowery that it really amazes me, where on earth are these words created?? and seeing kids who so innocently want to "take revenge" becasue of the need to protect their siblings and feeling lousy because they cant. i see so much manifest in the excusions and outings i have with them. they are kids with needs, even though seemingly tough and streetwise, they lack one thing, and that is simply: love, unconditional love. For someone to see the strengths in them, to be willing to sit down with them and be concerned about there seemingly rotten lives, their broken families and their dysfunctional relationships. these are kids whom would invest my time and my energy in. whose behaviour is only but a mask of what is within them. i was talking to one youth during a bbq, we happened to have a quiet spot to talk, and he shared with me how the teachers see them as hopeless, (NT class) and no one really believes in them. frankly, despite the vulgarities they have hurled at us before, my heart went out to them. because beyond the tough front, the "bully" image and the difficult attitudes, are people who are lacking and needing. and i know, working with these kids are really not easy. it is honestly a love-hate relationship, but yet, there is a part of me that tells me that these are kids that can live for so much more.
after 3 weeks where i am working, there is one question i constantly ask the Lord, "How do you want me to reach out to them? and Jesus, what would you do?" and i know bit by bit, little by little, these hard hearts will be softened. the primary school kids can be moulded, the rough attitudes of the youth can be corrected, byt hte grace of God. And God cooses to partner with us for this transformation- if only we are willing to got he extra mile for them. this is more than work, this are lives and souls that we are talking about...
i was suffering from lack of sleep, muscle aches, sore arms and a mind that couldnt stop working. being a social worker last week kept me on the move all the time. when i was sitting down for lunch, my mind was thinking about what i was to next. walking along, i tried to think of the plans to type out when i got back to the office. even while i rested on bed, sometimes i would be thinking of a kid i met during the day and utter a short prayer for him or her before i conked off in bed. and by friday, boy, i was exhausted. i didnt even get to go for PNP coz of work and missing PNP is something that hasnt happened in a while. BUT, despite is all, it was worth it. every bit of the energy spent and the aches were worth it. i learnt so much about kids, youths and their families. the systemic appraoach just came to life for me. to see youths scolding vulgarities to your face, raising the fist at the instant they dont feel happy about something, having a language so flowery that it really amazes me, where on earth are these words created?? and seeing kids who so innocently want to "take revenge" becasue of the need to protect their siblings and feeling lousy because they cant. i see so much manifest in the excusions and outings i have with them. they are kids with needs, even though seemingly tough and streetwise, they lack one thing, and that is simply: love, unconditional love. For someone to see the strengths in them, to be willing to sit down with them and be concerned about there seemingly rotten lives, their broken families and their dysfunctional relationships. these are kids whom would invest my time and my energy in. whose behaviour is only but a mask of what is within them. i was talking to one youth during a bbq, we happened to have a quiet spot to talk, and he shared with me how the teachers see them as hopeless, (NT class) and no one really believes in them. frankly, despite the vulgarities they have hurled at us before, my heart went out to them. because beyond the tough front, the "bully" image and the difficult attitudes, are people who are lacking and needing. and i know, working with these kids are really not easy. it is honestly a love-hate relationship, but yet, there is a part of me that tells me that these are kids that can live for so much more.
after 3 weeks where i am working, there is one question i constantly ask the Lord, "How do you want me to reach out to them? and Jesus, what would you do?" and i know bit by bit, little by little, these hard hearts will be softened. the primary school kids can be moulded, the rough attitudes of the youth can be corrected, byt hte grace of God. And God cooses to partner with us for this transformation- if only we are willing to got he extra mile for them. this is more than work, this are lives and souls that we are talking about...
Return to Him
"The deception does not last: but it leaves a habit of sin behind it." -C.S. Lewis
How true this is. with any form of sin, there will be a time when you realize that you have been deceived. when you know that what you have been doing is not pleasing in God's sight, neither is it something you want to continue doing anymore- just, detestful. but yet... you continue in it, because it has become a habit. we are creatures of habit. do something consistently for 11 days and it will become a habit. perhaps the sin you were dwelling in was pleasing to the flesh. perhaps it was desirable, appealing. but you realize one morning that there is just something not right about it. you feel ashamed, guilty, angry with yourself and the people around and maybe even God. you feel like you want to get out of it, but you dont know how. and the cycle contines again. you fall into it and you end up feeling guilty. THIS is what sin and the law does to us. the feeling of guilt and shame YET an the inability to get out of it. my friends, God has paved a way out for us, just as He provided a way for Israel although they refused to listen.
"'O Israel come back to me,' says the Lord. 'If you will throw away your detestable idols and go astray no more, and if you will swear by my name alone, and begin to live good honest lives and uphold justice, then you will be a blessing to the nations of the world, and all the people will come and praise my name." Jeremiah 4:1-2
The Lord calls us back to Him. He extends HIs merciful arms towards us. but are we willing to give up our habits, our desires, our pleasures for Him? are we will to stand for righteousness? God has paved a way for us. Repentance is the way. Living according to His word is the way. it will break the bond of shame and guilt, it brings freedom. Return to the Lord today. Return.
How true this is. with any form of sin, there will be a time when you realize that you have been deceived. when you know that what you have been doing is not pleasing in God's sight, neither is it something you want to continue doing anymore- just, detestful. but yet... you continue in it, because it has become a habit. we are creatures of habit. do something consistently for 11 days and it will become a habit. perhaps the sin you were dwelling in was pleasing to the flesh. perhaps it was desirable, appealing. but you realize one morning that there is just something not right about it. you feel ashamed, guilty, angry with yourself and the people around and maybe even God. you feel like you want to get out of it, but you dont know how. and the cycle contines again. you fall into it and you end up feeling guilty. THIS is what sin and the law does to us. the feeling of guilt and shame YET an the inability to get out of it. my friends, God has paved a way out for us, just as He provided a way for Israel although they refused to listen.
"'O Israel come back to me,' says the Lord. 'If you will throw away your detestable idols and go astray no more, and if you will swear by my name alone, and begin to live good honest lives and uphold justice, then you will be a blessing to the nations of the world, and all the people will come and praise my name." Jeremiah 4:1-2
The Lord calls us back to Him. He extends HIs merciful arms towards us. but are we willing to give up our habits, our desires, our pleasures for Him? are we will to stand for righteousness? God has paved a way for us. Repentance is the way. Living according to His word is the way. it will break the bond of shame and guilt, it brings freedom. Return to the Lord today. Return.
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